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Thursday, November 21, 2013

when life was normal

I had a dream I was at my moms house, the same house she was murdered in. I used to dream about her there and would start kicking and screaming in my head until I woke up. I was THAT traumatized by the house. I couldn't even visit it in a dream. If the dream started out good I would think, "maybe I should try to stick around here and see what happens?" but NOPE, I couldn't allow it.
Now I can dream about her at her house, or anywhere really. I remember the dialogue in my head during the dream "Wait, my mom is dead? OH NO.. she can't be.. she is here. OH MY GOD!"
Before this happened I don't remember ever having a conscious thought in my dreams. It is so weird to be in a dream looking in the mirror pinching yourself trying to wake up, and then waking up screaming. But this wasn't one of those.
I just remember sitting on the floor and wrapping my arms around her. I wasn't crying or emotional, I was just so relieved. Life is NORMAL AGAIN. She wasn't murdered!! I'm in her house, I'm not scared, it is magical. It is beautiful. The smell, the feeling of my arms wrapped around her, I can still feel it now. Her hair, her eyes, just her. My mom! NEXT TO ME. Can you imagine? I can't now, but in my dream.. it was so real. I can almost feel it. I cried on the way to work, and I cried on the way home. I wish I could live in the good dreams forever. I miss her so much, I don't even know how I can stand it. How am I still here?


2 comments:

  1. I have those dreams where your mom is there and it is nice. Usually I have them when I am going through a rough patch. I wish I could have them all the time. We talk in my dreams. Love you. grandma

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  2. I'm happy for you that your dreams have changed in this way. Sometimes I get visits from my aunt or my great-grandmother in my dreams. They always make me feel loved and at peace. I hold on to that feeling all day, and try to remember it when I need it. It's a powerful feeling.

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